Voice within the heart

19 June 2013

Just returned from a trip abroad with him. While it has been magical, it has its darker sides as well.

Just found out even more about him and her. Why does she even have to be in the picture? Just hearing her name, and seeing her face, I can hear my heart screaming, and something scratching and scratching inside my heart. While this would have been a description I would have laughed over a few months ago, I truly feel it now.

She was a subject of his fantasies when they were together. He had fantasized about making love with her and now I have no idea if they actually did before he met me. And now, I have more suspicions that day he cheated. That he actually desired her then, but realized he still "loves" me and then decided to pull out. Or did he even pull out.

He's a deep one, and I find out more hurting stuffs when I pry as I get into the relationship. All too late. The chance for me to choose has been denied from me. Whatever that is supposed to be mine is TAKEN AWAY FROM ME.

Just for him, I turned to God too before knowing he did so primarily cause he felt guilty about cheating on me. And even when I followed God as best I could for his sake, it seems that nothing went well. God is fake. God is bogus. God loves no one but himself.

I wish I had the courage and the impulse to grab my knife and dig it straight into my heart. Dig out the crawling sinister voice that flashes images of her to me. Dig out that beating heart that innocently loves him still. Dig out that heart that gives me life. Dig out that heart, put it in a box and send it to him. And then, use that knife to scratch out the faces of those who ever hurt me.

WHY DOES GIRLS HAVE TO BE MOSTLY THE ONE WHO SUFFERS FOR THE BOYS?

And why do boys always have to stray?

I wish that voice would one day stay silent, or one day, I would have to silence it myself.