Is it all for nought?

14 April 2013

When we first got together, we felt an instant connection to each other. Most importantly, we shared the same morals which we classified into three main points:

1. No drinking.
2. No smoking.
3. No cheating.

Of which, if one of us break any of these, our relationship will be annulled.

However, I guess it is the naivety of a young girl's heart blinded and clouded in the intoxicating fog of love. He started drinking, and I closed one eye. I told him about the dangers of drinking and he did not heed my warning. And then it proceeded to cheating.

I stayed with him so many times despite all these. I didn't leave when he drank, I didn't leave when he left for army, I didn't leave at the saddest moments. And now that he has cheated, am I supposed to close the other eye?

Where words no longer communicate well

10th April 2013

4th Anniversary together today. Happy 4th anniversary. Happy indeed.

What should have been beautiful day has been tainted with such wretchedness and ugliness. The pure light of the day has been defiled by dark poison clouds.

In what way is she attractive enough to seduce him?

My heart keeps screaming that it shouldn't have happened. And that God has totally taken away the only thing that gives me happiness. Why is God so ruthless?

I am trying to reach for help, for someone or something that can take hold of me and drag me away from this terrible pit hole I cannot escape from. I have only sealed the sadness and ache in my heart, and not to dispel it. I don't even know if I have the strength to dispel it.

Are my friends right to tell me I am utterly blinded by love? I have given up trying to speak with my friends. It has reached the point where words no longer communicate aptly what I feel.

I am truly alone in this world. So alone and empty. So alone and bare. It's possibly time to stand up and learn to make decisions for myself and live with it.

But how?

Seemingly Neverending Pain

2 April 2013

Returning home from abroad didn't help at all. The pain, instead of dissolving, has become heightened and is heightening with each passing day. Just sitting alone, doing something, and I will find tears streaming down my face. The reenactment of the scene of the cheating keeps floating up. It didn't use to hurt abroad, but now it does and it is slowly chewing and gnawing on my heartstrings. I'm just wondering when it would be the day when I realize my heart is no longer there.

Since that fateful day, when I considered what I should do, I realized I mostly thought only about what he would feel if I carried out different actions. I never ever placed my interests first, like how I've realized so many people would do. A friend's mum, despite so many years of being married, separated with her husband upon the realization of his affair. A friend whose partner cheated, even without him knowing at the start, parted amiably. All this things happen everyday, and I ask why do humans even stray when they've made promises?

This is the darkness of the adult world. A darkness I shouldn't even have been exposed to at such an age, if only I loved myself more and not loved others more. I'm so angry that I'd never be able to have a normal loving relationship with him, or anyone at all again. Looking at pictures of other happy couples makes me so mad. Just so mad. What trust, what love, what happy and faithful forever together? It'll just crumble in an instance. Nothing is permanent. Nothing will love you every single moment. You have only yourself to take care of yourself.

The introduction of methods to help dissolve the pain from him doesn't work a single bit. It only makes me hurt more, and more depressed.

When would this pain end?