27 October 2013
Hello, little blog of darkness and misery, I'm back after a really long while. Still unable to walk out of the darkness, and every time I hear her name and see her name I just really want to shut my eyes, crouch, and wish and wish that these nightmares would go away.
Yes, go away. Leave me alone. Those voices in the head and that mental image of her fucking face. Just go away and leave me alone and stop tormenting me. And stop talking to me. Just stop.
Is this the emptiness that the suffering speak about? One that declines your existence and forces you into this hole of inferiority, burying you and disabling you from escaping.
Sunday, October 27, 2013
Wednesday, June 19, 2013
Voice within the heart
19 June 2013
Just returned from a trip abroad with him. While it has been magical, it has its darker sides as well.
Just found out even more about him and her. Why does she even have to be in the picture? Just hearing her name, and seeing her face, I can hear my heart screaming, and something scratching and scratching inside my heart. While this would have been a description I would have laughed over a few months ago, I truly feel it now.
She was a subject of his fantasies when they were together. He had fantasized about making love with her and now I have no idea if they actually did before he met me. And now, I have more suspicions that day he cheated. That he actually desired her then, but realized he still "loves" me and then decided to pull out. Or did he even pull out.
He's a deep one, and I find out more hurting stuffs when I pry as I get into the relationship. All too late. The chance for me to choose has been denied from me. Whatever that is supposed to be mine is TAKEN AWAY FROM ME.
Just for him, I turned to God too before knowing he did so primarily cause he felt guilty about cheating on me. And even when I followed God as best I could for his sake, it seems that nothing went well. God is fake. God is bogus. God loves no one but himself.
I wish I had the courage and the impulse to grab my knife and dig it straight into my heart. Dig out the crawling sinister voice that flashes images of her to me. Dig out that beating heart that innocently loves him still. Dig out that heart that gives me life. Dig out that heart, put it in a box and send it to him. And then, use that knife to scratch out the faces of those who ever hurt me.
WHY DOES GIRLS HAVE TO BE MOSTLY THE ONE WHO SUFFERS FOR THE BOYS?
And why do boys always have to stray?
I wish that voice would one day stay silent, or one day, I would have to silence it myself.
Just returned from a trip abroad with him. While it has been magical, it has its darker sides as well.
Just found out even more about him and her. Why does she even have to be in the picture? Just hearing her name, and seeing her face, I can hear my heart screaming, and something scratching and scratching inside my heart. While this would have been a description I would have laughed over a few months ago, I truly feel it now.
She was a subject of his fantasies when they were together. He had fantasized about making love with her and now I have no idea if they actually did before he met me. And now, I have more suspicions that day he cheated. That he actually desired her then, but realized he still "loves" me and then decided to pull out. Or did he even pull out.
He's a deep one, and I find out more hurting stuffs when I pry as I get into the relationship. All too late. The chance for me to choose has been denied from me. Whatever that is supposed to be mine is TAKEN AWAY FROM ME.
Just for him, I turned to God too before knowing he did so primarily cause he felt guilty about cheating on me. And even when I followed God as best I could for his sake, it seems that nothing went well. God is fake. God is bogus. God loves no one but himself.
I wish I had the courage and the impulse to grab my knife and dig it straight into my heart. Dig out the crawling sinister voice that flashes images of her to me. Dig out that beating heart that innocently loves him still. Dig out that heart that gives me life. Dig out that heart, put it in a box and send it to him. And then, use that knife to scratch out the faces of those who ever hurt me.
WHY DOES GIRLS HAVE TO BE MOSTLY THE ONE WHO SUFFERS FOR THE BOYS?
And why do boys always have to stray?
I wish that voice would one day stay silent, or one day, I would have to silence it myself.
Saturday, April 13, 2013
Is it all for nought?
14 April 2013
When we first got together, we felt an instant connection to each other. Most importantly, we shared the same morals which we classified into three main points:
1. No drinking.
2. No smoking.
3. No cheating.
Of which, if one of us break any of these, our relationship will be annulled.
However, I guess it is the naivety of a young girl's heart blinded and clouded in the intoxicating fog of love. He started drinking, and I closed one eye. I told him about the dangers of drinking and he did not heed my warning. And then it proceeded to cheating.
I stayed with him so many times despite all these. I didn't leave when he drank, I didn't leave when he left for army, I didn't leave at the saddest moments. And now that he has cheated, am I supposed to close the other eye?
When we first got together, we felt an instant connection to each other. Most importantly, we shared the same morals which we classified into three main points:
1. No drinking.
2. No smoking.
3. No cheating.
Of which, if one of us break any of these, our relationship will be annulled.
However, I guess it is the naivety of a young girl's heart blinded and clouded in the intoxicating fog of love. He started drinking, and I closed one eye. I told him about the dangers of drinking and he did not heed my warning. And then it proceeded to cheating.
I stayed with him so many times despite all these. I didn't leave when he drank, I didn't leave when he left for army, I didn't leave at the saddest moments. And now that he has cheated, am I supposed to close the other eye?
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
Where words no longer communicate well
10th April 2013
4th Anniversary together today. Happy 4th anniversary. Happy indeed.
What should have been beautiful day has been tainted with such wretchedness and ugliness. The pure light of the day has been defiled by dark poison clouds.
In what way is she attractive enough to seduce him?
My heart keeps screaming that it shouldn't have happened. And that God has totally taken away the only thing that gives me happiness. Why is God so ruthless?
I am trying to reach for help, for someone or something that can take hold of me and drag me away from this terrible pit hole I cannot escape from. I have only sealed the sadness and ache in my heart, and not to dispel it. I don't even know if I have the strength to dispel it.
Are my friends right to tell me I am utterly blinded by love? I have given up trying to speak with my friends. It has reached the point where words no longer communicate aptly what I feel.
I am truly alone in this world. So alone and empty. So alone and bare. It's possibly time to stand up and learn to make decisions for myself and live with it.
But how?
4th Anniversary together today. Happy 4th anniversary. Happy indeed.
What should have been beautiful day has been tainted with such wretchedness and ugliness. The pure light of the day has been defiled by dark poison clouds.
In what way is she attractive enough to seduce him?
My heart keeps screaming that it shouldn't have happened. And that God has totally taken away the only thing that gives me happiness. Why is God so ruthless?
I am trying to reach for help, for someone or something that can take hold of me and drag me away from this terrible pit hole I cannot escape from. I have only sealed the sadness and ache in my heart, and not to dispel it. I don't even know if I have the strength to dispel it.
Are my friends right to tell me I am utterly blinded by love? I have given up trying to speak with my friends. It has reached the point where words no longer communicate aptly what I feel.
I am truly alone in this world. So alone and empty. So alone and bare. It's possibly time to stand up and learn to make decisions for myself and live with it.
But how?
Monday, April 1, 2013
Seemingly Neverending Pain
2 April 2013
Returning home from abroad didn't help at all. The pain, instead of dissolving, has become heightened and is heightening with each passing day. Just sitting alone, doing something, and I will find tears streaming down my face. The reenactment of the scene of the cheating keeps floating up. It didn't use to hurt abroad, but now it does and it is slowly chewing and gnawing on my heartstrings. I'm just wondering when it would be the day when I realize my heart is no longer there.
Since that fateful day, when I considered what I should do, I realized I mostly thought only about what he would feel if I carried out different actions. I never ever placed my interests first, like how I've realized so many people would do. A friend's mum, despite so many years of being married, separated with her husband upon the realization of his affair. A friend whose partner cheated, even without him knowing at the start, parted amiably. All this things happen everyday, and I ask why do humans even stray when they've made promises?
This is the darkness of the adult world. A darkness I shouldn't even have been exposed to at such an age, if only I loved myself more and not loved others more. I'm so angry that I'd never be able to have a normal loving relationship with him, or anyone at all again. Looking at pictures of other happy couples makes me so mad. Just so mad. What trust, what love, what happy and faithful forever together? It'll just crumble in an instance. Nothing is permanent. Nothing will love you every single moment. You have only yourself to take care of yourself.
The introduction of methods to help dissolve the pain from him doesn't work a single bit. It only makes me hurt more, and more depressed.
When would this pain end?
Returning home from abroad didn't help at all. The pain, instead of dissolving, has become heightened and is heightening with each passing day. Just sitting alone, doing something, and I will find tears streaming down my face. The reenactment of the scene of the cheating keeps floating up. It didn't use to hurt abroad, but now it does and it is slowly chewing and gnawing on my heartstrings. I'm just wondering when it would be the day when I realize my heart is no longer there.
Since that fateful day, when I considered what I should do, I realized I mostly thought only about what he would feel if I carried out different actions. I never ever placed my interests first, like how I've realized so many people would do. A friend's mum, despite so many years of being married, separated with her husband upon the realization of his affair. A friend whose partner cheated, even without him knowing at the start, parted amiably. All this things happen everyday, and I ask why do humans even stray when they've made promises?
This is the darkness of the adult world. A darkness I shouldn't even have been exposed to at such an age, if only I loved myself more and not loved others more. I'm so angry that I'd never be able to have a normal loving relationship with him, or anyone at all again. Looking at pictures of other happy couples makes me so mad. Just so mad. What trust, what love, what happy and faithful forever together? It'll just crumble in an instance. Nothing is permanent. Nothing will love you every single moment. You have only yourself to take care of yourself.
The introduction of methods to help dissolve the pain from him doesn't work a single bit. It only makes me hurt more, and more depressed.
When would this pain end?
Wednesday, March 6, 2013
Tainted
7 March 2013
23 days ever since. Life has never been the same again.
Life is a whirl of work and videos. Looking at pictures of happy couples, their pure untainted relationships, make me so jealous. My heart aches so badly.
This is so damn unfair. Mine will never be the same again. Mine, from the day he decided to cheat on me, is tainted forever. I am tainted forever.
I am disgusting, and disgusted.
23 days ever since. Life has never been the same again.
Life is a whirl of work and videos. Looking at pictures of happy couples, their pure untainted relationships, make me so jealous. My heart aches so badly.
This is so damn unfair. Mine will never be the same again. Mine, from the day he decided to cheat on me, is tainted forever. I am tainted forever.
I am disgusting, and disgusted.
Friday, March 1, 2013
Soreness of the Heart
1st March 2013
It comes often in the night. The night is silent, dark and empty- a reflection of what my heart feels when this part of the day takes over the sky in its long, dark sweeping coat.
I can be doing anything mundane, and no matter how loud it is the crying is audible right there. The ache spreads dully, starting from the middle of the heart and spreading its roots slowly. I feel it crawling and overtaking the entire heart of mine, before squeezing it and slowly tearing it, leaving me defenseless and very much alone once again.
Expression could be in the form of anything. Tears, incoherent sobbing, blood, pain, sweat...it all occurs in the heat of the moment. And suddenly, after I blink, everything ebbs away, like the entire fiasco never happened before.
I want out. No matter how hard I try, the pain will never fade and the voices will never stop whispering, telling me I was betrayed and I was stupid and naive and I am making the wrong choice once again. I can hardly trust a thing he says now, and all he has to do is to turn up looking really sorry for himself for my foolish heart to melt.
How many times had my friends said that I deserved better? I didn't really think that, I just thought I didn't do anything to deserve this unjust that has been placed on me. And now, I am actually being nice to him pretending everything is all right- letting him feel a little better for himself- making things easier for him just cause he sank into a major depression the day before. I do want a compromise, but I honestly can't see the way. This is so unfair.
And now I can't see straight again, my vision's blurred. Shall it be just tears tonight, or something else?
It comes often in the night. The night is silent, dark and empty- a reflection of what my heart feels when this part of the day takes over the sky in its long, dark sweeping coat.
I can be doing anything mundane, and no matter how loud it is the crying is audible right there. The ache spreads dully, starting from the middle of the heart and spreading its roots slowly. I feel it crawling and overtaking the entire heart of mine, before squeezing it and slowly tearing it, leaving me defenseless and very much alone once again.
Expression could be in the form of anything. Tears, incoherent sobbing, blood, pain, sweat...it all occurs in the heat of the moment. And suddenly, after I blink, everything ebbs away, like the entire fiasco never happened before.
I want out. No matter how hard I try, the pain will never fade and the voices will never stop whispering, telling me I was betrayed and I was stupid and naive and I am making the wrong choice once again. I can hardly trust a thing he says now, and all he has to do is to turn up looking really sorry for himself for my foolish heart to melt.
How many times had my friends said that I deserved better? I didn't really think that, I just thought I didn't do anything to deserve this unjust that has been placed on me. And now, I am actually being nice to him pretending everything is all right- letting him feel a little better for himself- making things easier for him just cause he sank into a major depression the day before. I do want a compromise, but I honestly can't see the way. This is so unfair.
And now I can't see straight again, my vision's blurred. Shall it be just tears tonight, or something else?
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