28 February 2013
16 days since I got to know the ugly truth, the one which destroyed everything that held up my world. The one that burst my happy bubble, and the one that threw me into the depths of despair and hatred.
I find myself extremely imbalanced. One moment, I pity the sad look in his eyes and I want to reach out to him to comfort him and tell him things will be all right; one moment I hate every single fibre of his being and I just want to oust him from my life and curse him to an eternity of pain and suffering.
This dichotomy is troubling, and it tears me apart, leaving me more alone and confused ever. I tell myself every single day that it didn't happen, and we are still the same old couple we were, happy and untainted. But every time I waver, the devil tears down the wall I've frantically built around my heart and sink its poisonous claws deep into my throbbing and aching heart. Hatred, resentment, despair, agony, I have never felt such strong emotions before.
Most importantly, I have never felt so lonely and empty.
Who can understand my pain, and who can reach out a hand to hid me from the pain and shield me from the trauma? I don't know. I fluctuate unstably, and I am just like a ticking time bomb.
I see the happy pictures of other couples, smiling without a hint of mistrust or darkness. Tears fall down my cheeks and I waver once more. I will never have that innocence of love ever again. I have lost every single thing.
Thursday, February 28, 2013
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
Aftermath of a Disaster
20 Feb 2013
It has been little over one week. What's the true aftermath to the earth breaking disaster? We normally see people whose lives were wrecked by natural disasters starting to clean out their destroyed homes, saying their final farewells to their loved ones, and reaching out to the rest of the world to help them through this trying period.
For my case, I cleaned out my room from memories of him, bitterly read some letters of the past and bade the past farewell, and I reached out to my friends who gave me a hand to bring me through this trying period of mine. I have to say that childish as these actions of mine might sound, it is actually rather therapeutic, and I hurt less seeing stuff around me that reminded me of him and his betrayal.
We still text. He wants to win me back. I gave him a chance. Let's see what he is going to do now.
It has been little over one week. What's the true aftermath to the earth breaking disaster? We normally see people whose lives were wrecked by natural disasters starting to clean out their destroyed homes, saying their final farewells to their loved ones, and reaching out to the rest of the world to help them through this trying period.
For my case, I cleaned out my room from memories of him, bitterly read some letters of the past and bade the past farewell, and I reached out to my friends who gave me a hand to bring me through this trying period of mine. I have to say that childish as these actions of mine might sound, it is actually rather therapeutic, and I hurt less seeing stuff around me that reminded me of him and his betrayal.
We still text. He wants to win me back. I gave him a chance. Let's see what he is going to do now.
Friday, February 15, 2013
Absolutely nothing?
16 Feb 2013
I still feel nothing. No more pain, no more tears. I can't understand what this is. I used to feel so pained over the issue, and now the pain has washed out and there is absolutely nothing.
I find myself thinking. Is that denial? Is that acceptance?
I find myself wanting to just forgive this matter so easily and move on with our lives. But how can I forgive so easily, knowing the horrendous things he had done? It'll be too easy to him. I'll not be standing up for myself.
I no longer want to torture or hurt him. Instead I want to comfort him. Why is that so? Am I a masochist? He cheated, girl He cheated and lied.
I looked at pills. I wanted to attempt an overdose. But it faded. I just wanted to sleep.
Why are you so kind? I hate you for that. You are nothing but a weak, needy person. You are disgusting. All you should care about are your feelings, what the hell are you doing thinking about his?? Him and his persuasive, sweet words of nothing. Are you stupid enough to believe him again???
I still feel nothing. No more pain, no more tears. I can't understand what this is. I used to feel so pained over the issue, and now the pain has washed out and there is absolutely nothing.
I find myself thinking. Is that denial? Is that acceptance?
I find myself wanting to just forgive this matter so easily and move on with our lives. But how can I forgive so easily, knowing the horrendous things he had done? It'll be too easy to him. I'll not be standing up for myself.
I no longer want to torture or hurt him. Instead I want to comfort him. Why is that so? Am I a masochist? He cheated, girl He cheated and lied.
I looked at pills. I wanted to attempt an overdose. But it faded. I just wanted to sleep.
Why are you so kind? I hate you for that. You are nothing but a weak, needy person. You are disgusting. All you should care about are your feelings, what the hell are you doing thinking about his?? Him and his persuasive, sweet words of nothing. Are you stupid enough to believe him again???
Feelings of Nothing
15 Feb 2013
It's pretty strange.
I feel nothing at all now.
Even when I think back and relived the scene.
There isn't any pain.
Why?
It's pretty strange.
I feel nothing at all now.
Even when I think back and relived the scene.
There isn't any pain.
Why?
More Horrid Truths
14th Feb 2013/ 15 Feb 2013
The world works in curious ways. Or rather, contradictory ways. There are things we spend our entire lives searching, but the harder we search the more it evades us. There are things we desire to know, but it does not necessarily brings us joy upon realizing.
I asked him a question. "Was it her first time?"
He evaded it the first time round. Whether on purpose or unintentionally, I no longer know.
And then, I asked him again up front. "Was it, or was it not her first time?"
He said, "It was her first time."
And my crumbled world, whatever that was left of it, crumbled away further. It seems my world now is smaller than the Vatican City with respect to the entry globe- and horrible floods and earthquakes continue to wreck my world into a smaller place.
The heart shrinks. Does it? Can you actually feel it shrink? Or...does it shrink until it is finally gone, leaving you apathetic, yet spiteful? Does the shrinking, or shrunken heart hold empathy and compassion for the rest of the world who had done you nothing wrong?
I was this close to forgiving. But upon realizing this other horrid truths, I realize I can't. I am only mortal, I am not angel, not am I a saint. Nor am I as forgiving as the Lord Almighty, as people claim. Yes, I am only mortal, a mortal as flawed as those who had sinned against me.
Why can't I forgive upon knowing that fact?
It's cause I can't bear to know that, should I ever marry him, that he had taken another girl's first time. It would no longer be the same at all. It would no longer be special. He would never be my husband. He told me such acts were to emphasize love, to share a spiritual connection with his partner. I find myself thinking, that's utter bullshit. Bullshit to the maximum. Lies again. Lies once again. It could have been avoided, but he hadn't listened. And he wanted revenge. And subsequently, he hid it for two years, participating in the relationship with me as though nothing had happened; and scolding me harshly for small time lies when he had the biggest one of all. He did all these without remorse in his eyes. That I know for when we argue, he showed his true rage. No remorse, no guilt, nothing. It was the unforgivable of the unforgivable.
He begged me to give him once chance. How could I, knowing I will hate him or the rest of my life? The kindness fell short, wanting to reach out to him and to comfort him; but the spite and bitterness slapped it in the face, pushing its hand away, and raised its ugly head at him. How, I find myself thinking fervently. How does me doing such horrid things to him, saying such horrid things to a man who is down on his knees begging for forgiveness, make me any better than who he is?
I kept telling myself never to stoop to his level. I never thought of cheating on him. I never thought of ruining his reputation publicly by announcing his deeds on Facebook like what a friend had said the friend would have done to the partner. But the spite, it badly wants to hurt and to strike, to strike at a man in a defenseless position. What has this turned me into? What has this horrid truth turned me into?
The world works in curious ways. Or rather, contradictory ways. There are things we spend our entire lives searching, but the harder we search the more it evades us. There are things we desire to know, but it does not necessarily brings us joy upon realizing.
I asked him a question. "Was it her first time?"
He evaded it the first time round. Whether on purpose or unintentionally, I no longer know.
And then, I asked him again up front. "Was it, or was it not her first time?"
He said, "It was her first time."
And my crumbled world, whatever that was left of it, crumbled away further. It seems my world now is smaller than the Vatican City with respect to the entry globe- and horrible floods and earthquakes continue to wreck my world into a smaller place.
The heart shrinks. Does it? Can you actually feel it shrink? Or...does it shrink until it is finally gone, leaving you apathetic, yet spiteful? Does the shrinking, or shrunken heart hold empathy and compassion for the rest of the world who had done you nothing wrong?
I was this close to forgiving. But upon realizing this other horrid truths, I realize I can't. I am only mortal, I am not angel, not am I a saint. Nor am I as forgiving as the Lord Almighty, as people claim. Yes, I am only mortal, a mortal as flawed as those who had sinned against me.
Why can't I forgive upon knowing that fact?
It's cause I can't bear to know that, should I ever marry him, that he had taken another girl's first time. It would no longer be the same at all. It would no longer be special. He would never be my husband. He told me such acts were to emphasize love, to share a spiritual connection with his partner. I find myself thinking, that's utter bullshit. Bullshit to the maximum. Lies again. Lies once again. It could have been avoided, but he hadn't listened. And he wanted revenge. And subsequently, he hid it for two years, participating in the relationship with me as though nothing had happened; and scolding me harshly for small time lies when he had the biggest one of all. He did all these without remorse in his eyes. That I know for when we argue, he showed his true rage. No remorse, no guilt, nothing. It was the unforgivable of the unforgivable.
He begged me to give him once chance. How could I, knowing I will hate him or the rest of my life? The kindness fell short, wanting to reach out to him and to comfort him; but the spite and bitterness slapped it in the face, pushing its hand away, and raised its ugly head at him. How, I find myself thinking fervently. How does me doing such horrid things to him, saying such horrid things to a man who is down on his knees begging for forgiveness, make me any better than who he is?
I kept telling myself never to stoop to his level. I never thought of cheating on him. I never thought of ruining his reputation publicly by announcing his deeds on Facebook like what a friend had said the friend would have done to the partner. But the spite, it badly wants to hurt and to strike, to strike at a man in a defenseless position. What has this turned me into? What has this horrid truth turned me into?
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
The Numbing Effect
14 Feb 2013.
As I sit here, I find myself thinking: this is the greatest irony of all. It's Valentine's Day, and my "valentine" had reared its ugly head and struck me where it hurt the most. Valentine's Day, the day of expression of love for many had become a day of sore feelings and bitter emotions.
I still think of the scene, but now is the stage of the Numbing Effect. The stage where you have previously cried your eyes out until no tears flowed free, the stage where you are exhausted, and have mostly accepted reality.
I'm calm again. When I think it through, tears do not flow. When I think it through, the shredded heart no longer throbs achingly. When I think it through, I hear a distant voice, saying that possibly I have stopped loving him all in all.
I do admit to that. There are magnanimous women in the world who would forgive anything and everything their partners did just to stay with them- those women have the biggest and most loving hearts of all. I cannot pretend to be as noble them, and I cannot pretend that I had wanted to go to him and destroy his reputation in front of his friends, as well as hers. That was why I deleted him from my social activity account. Can't take any risks that I myself would regret for the rest of my life. I held my own hand. I'm not like him. I said to myself, tasting the tears on my lips. I'm nothing like him, and I will not do anything that will tarnish my own reputation in a moment of folly. I'm nothing like the person -character- I hate.
I didn't know how to release the rage. I found myself laughing, wishing fervently this was an opera. All I'd have to do next then, would be to sing a rage aria was such tumultuous passion, and the throw myself off the cliff like Tosca did. Or actually I had consumption, and after my final breath of life I fall, dying, like Violetta. But the opera I was in should be a Romantic period one, not Mozart's. No forgiveness as seen in the final scene of the Marriage of Figaro. Just pure tragedy.
I wonder why I am sitting here, typing this, wallowing in self pity over a life I had seen in movies and not think for a slightest second that it could become a reality. Or at least for the past two years, that it WAS a reality that I was shielded selfishly from. I wasn't the worst hit. There are others who had suffered worst than me. I do have friends who care, and friends to come to be like angels to add a little glue to the heart that had crumbled. Why am I doing this? Solace? Comfort?
God knows.
As I sit here, I find myself thinking: this is the greatest irony of all. It's Valentine's Day, and my "valentine" had reared its ugly head and struck me where it hurt the most. Valentine's Day, the day of expression of love for many had become a day of sore feelings and bitter emotions.
I still think of the scene, but now is the stage of the Numbing Effect. The stage where you have previously cried your eyes out until no tears flowed free, the stage where you are exhausted, and have mostly accepted reality.
I'm calm again. When I think it through, tears do not flow. When I think it through, the shredded heart no longer throbs achingly. When I think it through, I hear a distant voice, saying that possibly I have stopped loving him all in all.
I do admit to that. There are magnanimous women in the world who would forgive anything and everything their partners did just to stay with them- those women have the biggest and most loving hearts of all. I cannot pretend to be as noble them, and I cannot pretend that I had wanted to go to him and destroy his reputation in front of his friends, as well as hers. That was why I deleted him from my social activity account. Can't take any risks that I myself would regret for the rest of my life. I held my own hand. I'm not like him. I said to myself, tasting the tears on my lips. I'm nothing like him, and I will not do anything that will tarnish my own reputation in a moment of folly. I'm nothing like the person -character- I hate.
I didn't know how to release the rage. I found myself laughing, wishing fervently this was an opera. All I'd have to do next then, would be to sing a rage aria was such tumultuous passion, and the throw myself off the cliff like Tosca did. Or actually I had consumption, and after my final breath of life I fall, dying, like Violetta. But the opera I was in should be a Romantic period one, not Mozart's. No forgiveness as seen in the final scene of the Marriage of Figaro. Just pure tragedy.
I wonder why I am sitting here, typing this, wallowing in self pity over a life I had seen in movies and not think for a slightest second that it could become a reality. Or at least for the past two years, that it WAS a reality that I was shielded selfishly from. I wasn't the worst hit. There are others who had suffered worst than me. I do have friends who care, and friends to come to be like angels to add a little glue to the heart that had crumbled. Why am I doing this? Solace? Comfort?
God knows.
The Pain
13 Feb 2013.
This time, the scene of the cheating took place in my head. A claw of hurt dug into my heart and grew its roots. The more I thought the more roots it placed, giving birth to many more claws all digging deeper into my heart. I woke up and paced the room, tried to do some work but to no avail, hid back in my bed but couldn't sleep. This night was the longest night of my life.
When the day broke, it finally hit me. It did happen. He did cheat, lie and be a hypocrite. Things will never, never be the same again. The trust, respect and love I had for him had shattered, just like a beautiful, fragile mirror he had flung across the room. I hugged myself, feeling really foolish and disgusted, and I cried silently. I reached out to my friends, those I know who would genuinely care. One wanted to Skype with me. I did so after a lecture I could not concentrate in, and for the first time, the floodgates truly opened and I wept openly and lashed out angrily. As always, the friend received me with open arms and gave me the warmth the friend always had for me.
So many emotions so much sadness. I have never ever felt this way before. I was so angry, so hurt, so sad, and I knew it was my fault. Who could control the way they looked, and who could control the cruel twist of Fate himself?
Once again, a friend from the distant past, a friend I thought I lost reached out to me upon noticing my posts on Facebook. The friend had remembered what I have done for the friend, and wanted to do the same for me. Listening, giving rationale advice rather than the cliche emotional ones, this friend gave me much to think about. How have we grown. The last I saw, this friend was galloping around like a mad wild horse in its freedom. And now, this friend provided a rational comfort.
The final friend who noticed for today noticed my state. This friend bothered to ask, bothered to invite me over for dinner, bothered to open up a safe haven for me to nurse my wounds. This friend I have met only recently, provided comfort all the same.
Kindness begets kindness. That was what I was taught, and that was what I lived with. I constantly reminded myself to be empathetic to the plight of others and do as much to help others. When I heard The Confession, my whole world collapsed into a pile of smoking, burning debris. I was as kind as I could be all my life, what have I done to deserve such a monstrosity? I was angry with the heavens for such an unkind twist, I cursed the heavens for giving me such a situation when I have done nothing as evil as its nature. But I stopped. This incident, hasn't it shown me that all along while I thought I was alone and friendless, has shown me that there are actually people anyway who would bother to reach out a hand to me while I was down on my knees? Kindness begets kindness. I realized, it was cause I was kind to them, that they were kind to me. Fate works in curious ways.
Now as I approach another possibly long night, I pray to the heavens that I will get some peace tonight, and be at peace over the days to be able to accomplish what I am here for. Dear heavens, do grant me some peace for tonight, for I have only slept two hours the other night.
The Confession
12 Feb 2013
A petty quarrel leading to a dramatic confession and a shattered world. I've always known that there was this point in time when everything changed. Everything in our relationship changed. He used to be happy, to be able to smile; and suddenly he was brooding, depressed and reluctant to speak. I never asked cause I always thought it was my fault that he became like that, that it was my stubbornness that kept hurting his heart and nothing else.
Near the point in time, I realized his ex-girlfriend texting him. When he saw that I have seen the incoming text, his hand moved so fast, and he was discrete. I didn't ask, cause once again I chose to trust him. But from then I had an inkling, a seed growing deep in the darkest depths of my heart, that something was wrong.
We did everything the same. He berated me terribly for lying, he thrashed me if I appeared hypocryptic and he warned me of cheating. I took it, feeling like I was the worse girlfriend to have ever walked the earth. What he wanted I gave, not knowing what I have truly done to myself.
12 Feb 2013. After me heavily pushing him and forcing him to reveal himself to me, I was faced with the worst nightmare I have ever dreamt of. He lied, cheated, and was a hypocrite. He was EVERYTHING he had thrashed me for. He cheated with his ex-girlfriend, in his house, in his room, on his bed. He cheated two years ago, and he did the same with me seeming without regret for two years. "Exact revenge" was his reason, in addition to being drunk and depressed.
I was calm. Everything seemed to whirl before me. I read the words, but it didn't sink in. I read it again, and it still seemed so surreal. No tears, no emotions. Just pure rationality and logic. It didn't overwhelm, but I know it happened.
A friend happened to text, and I told the friend what happened. Still, I was calm and rational, surprisingly. No pain, no hurt.
But after i went home, I couldn't sleep for the first time in my life. I rolled in bed. I closed my eyes, my body exhausted but my mind alert. I fell asleep for two hours and I woke up. The memory clear in my head.
A petty quarrel leading to a dramatic confession and a shattered world. I've always known that there was this point in time when everything changed. Everything in our relationship changed. He used to be happy, to be able to smile; and suddenly he was brooding, depressed and reluctant to speak. I never asked cause I always thought it was my fault that he became like that, that it was my stubbornness that kept hurting his heart and nothing else.
Near the point in time, I realized his ex-girlfriend texting him. When he saw that I have seen the incoming text, his hand moved so fast, and he was discrete. I didn't ask, cause once again I chose to trust him. But from then I had an inkling, a seed growing deep in the darkest depths of my heart, that something was wrong.
We did everything the same. He berated me terribly for lying, he thrashed me if I appeared hypocryptic and he warned me of cheating. I took it, feeling like I was the worse girlfriend to have ever walked the earth. What he wanted I gave, not knowing what I have truly done to myself.
12 Feb 2013. After me heavily pushing him and forcing him to reveal himself to me, I was faced with the worst nightmare I have ever dreamt of. He lied, cheated, and was a hypocrite. He was EVERYTHING he had thrashed me for. He cheated with his ex-girlfriend, in his house, in his room, on his bed. He cheated two years ago, and he did the same with me seeming without regret for two years. "Exact revenge" was his reason, in addition to being drunk and depressed.
I was calm. Everything seemed to whirl before me. I read the words, but it didn't sink in. I read it again, and it still seemed so surreal. No tears, no emotions. Just pure rationality and logic. It didn't overwhelm, but I know it happened.
A friend happened to text, and I told the friend what happened. Still, I was calm and rational, surprisingly. No pain, no hurt.
But after i went home, I couldn't sleep for the first time in my life. I rolled in bed. I closed my eyes, my body exhausted but my mind alert. I fell asleep for two hours and I woke up. The memory clear in my head.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)