The Pain

13 Feb 2013.

This time, the scene of the cheating took place in my head. A claw of hurt dug into my heart and grew its roots. The more I thought the more roots it placed, giving birth to many more claws all digging deeper into my heart. I woke up and paced the room, tried to do some work but to no avail, hid back in my bed but couldn't sleep. This night was the longest night of my life.

When the day broke, it finally hit me. It did happen. He did cheat, lie and be a hypocrite. Things will never, never be the same again. The trust, respect and love I had for him had shattered, just like a beautiful, fragile mirror he had flung across the room. I hugged myself, feeling really foolish and disgusted, and I cried silently. I reached out to my friends, those I know who would genuinely care. One wanted to Skype with me. I did so after a lecture I could not concentrate in, and for the first time, the floodgates truly opened and I wept openly and lashed out angrily. As always, the friend received me with open arms and gave me the warmth the friend always had for me.

So many emotions so much sadness. I have never ever felt this way before. I was so angry, so hurt, so sad, and I knew it was my fault. Who could control the way they looked, and who could control the cruel twist of Fate himself?

Once again, a friend from the distant past, a friend I thought I lost reached out to me upon noticing my posts on Facebook. The friend had remembered what I have done for the friend, and wanted to do the same for me. Listening, giving rationale advice rather than the cliche emotional ones, this friend gave me much to think about. How have we grown. The last I saw, this friend was galloping around like a mad wild horse in its freedom. And now, this friend provided a rational comfort.

The final friend who noticed for today noticed my state. This friend bothered to ask, bothered to invite me over for dinner, bothered to open up a safe haven for me to nurse my wounds. This friend I have met only recently, provided comfort all the same.

Kindness begets kindness. That was what I was taught, and that was what I lived with. I constantly reminded myself to be empathetic to the plight of others and do as much to help others. When I heard The Confession, my whole world collapsed into a pile of smoking, burning debris. I was as kind as I could be all my life, what have I done to deserve such a monstrosity? I was angry with the heavens for such an unkind twist, I cursed the heavens for giving me such a situation when I have done nothing as evil as its nature. But I stopped. This incident, hasn't it shown me that all along while I thought I was alone and friendless, has shown me that there are actually people anyway who would bother to reach out a hand to me while I was down on my knees? Kindness begets kindness. I realized, it was cause I was kind to them, that they were kind to me. Fate works in curious ways.

Now as I approach another possibly long night, I pray to the heavens that I will get some peace tonight, and be at peace over the days to be able to accomplish what I am here for. Dear heavens, do grant me some peace for tonight, for I have only slept two hours the other night.