The Night that Brings Dark Thoughts

27 October 2013

Hello, little blog of darkness and misery, I'm back after a really long while. Still unable to walk out of the darkness, and every time I hear her name and see her name I just really want to shut my eyes, crouch, and wish and wish that these nightmares would go away.

Yes, go away. Leave me alone. Those voices in the head and that mental image of her fucking face. Just go away and leave me alone and stop tormenting me. And stop talking to me. Just stop.

Is this the emptiness that the suffering speak about? One that declines your existence and forces you into this hole of inferiority, burying you and disabling you from escaping.

Voice within the heart

19 June 2013

Just returned from a trip abroad with him. While it has been magical, it has its darker sides as well.

Just found out even more about him and her. Why does she even have to be in the picture? Just hearing her name, and seeing her face, I can hear my heart screaming, and something scratching and scratching inside my heart. While this would have been a description I would have laughed over a few months ago, I truly feel it now.

She was a subject of his fantasies when they were together. He had fantasized about making love with her and now I have no idea if they actually did before he met me. And now, I have more suspicions that day he cheated. That he actually desired her then, but realized he still "loves" me and then decided to pull out. Or did he even pull out.

He's a deep one, and I find out more hurting stuffs when I pry as I get into the relationship. All too late. The chance for me to choose has been denied from me. Whatever that is supposed to be mine is TAKEN AWAY FROM ME.

Just for him, I turned to God too before knowing he did so primarily cause he felt guilty about cheating on me. And even when I followed God as best I could for his sake, it seems that nothing went well. God is fake. God is bogus. God loves no one but himself.

I wish I had the courage and the impulse to grab my knife and dig it straight into my heart. Dig out the crawling sinister voice that flashes images of her to me. Dig out that beating heart that innocently loves him still. Dig out that heart that gives me life. Dig out that heart, put it in a box and send it to him. And then, use that knife to scratch out the faces of those who ever hurt me.

WHY DOES GIRLS HAVE TO BE MOSTLY THE ONE WHO SUFFERS FOR THE BOYS?

And why do boys always have to stray?

I wish that voice would one day stay silent, or one day, I would have to silence it myself.

Is it all for nought?

14 April 2013

When we first got together, we felt an instant connection to each other. Most importantly, we shared the same morals which we classified into three main points:

1. No drinking.
2. No smoking.
3. No cheating.

Of which, if one of us break any of these, our relationship will be annulled.

However, I guess it is the naivety of a young girl's heart blinded and clouded in the intoxicating fog of love. He started drinking, and I closed one eye. I told him about the dangers of drinking and he did not heed my warning. And then it proceeded to cheating.

I stayed with him so many times despite all these. I didn't leave when he drank, I didn't leave when he left for army, I didn't leave at the saddest moments. And now that he has cheated, am I supposed to close the other eye?

Where words no longer communicate well

10th April 2013

4th Anniversary together today. Happy 4th anniversary. Happy indeed.

What should have been beautiful day has been tainted with such wretchedness and ugliness. The pure light of the day has been defiled by dark poison clouds.

In what way is she attractive enough to seduce him?

My heart keeps screaming that it shouldn't have happened. And that God has totally taken away the only thing that gives me happiness. Why is God so ruthless?

I am trying to reach for help, for someone or something that can take hold of me and drag me away from this terrible pit hole I cannot escape from. I have only sealed the sadness and ache in my heart, and not to dispel it. I don't even know if I have the strength to dispel it.

Are my friends right to tell me I am utterly blinded by love? I have given up trying to speak with my friends. It has reached the point where words no longer communicate aptly what I feel.

I am truly alone in this world. So alone and empty. So alone and bare. It's possibly time to stand up and learn to make decisions for myself and live with it.

But how?

Seemingly Neverending Pain

2 April 2013

Returning home from abroad didn't help at all. The pain, instead of dissolving, has become heightened and is heightening with each passing day. Just sitting alone, doing something, and I will find tears streaming down my face. The reenactment of the scene of the cheating keeps floating up. It didn't use to hurt abroad, but now it does and it is slowly chewing and gnawing on my heartstrings. I'm just wondering when it would be the day when I realize my heart is no longer there.

Since that fateful day, when I considered what I should do, I realized I mostly thought only about what he would feel if I carried out different actions. I never ever placed my interests first, like how I've realized so many people would do. A friend's mum, despite so many years of being married, separated with her husband upon the realization of his affair. A friend whose partner cheated, even without him knowing at the start, parted amiably. All this things happen everyday, and I ask why do humans even stray when they've made promises?

This is the darkness of the adult world. A darkness I shouldn't even have been exposed to at such an age, if only I loved myself more and not loved others more. I'm so angry that I'd never be able to have a normal loving relationship with him, or anyone at all again. Looking at pictures of other happy couples makes me so mad. Just so mad. What trust, what love, what happy and faithful forever together? It'll just crumble in an instance. Nothing is permanent. Nothing will love you every single moment. You have only yourself to take care of yourself.

The introduction of methods to help dissolve the pain from him doesn't work a single bit. It only makes me hurt more, and more depressed.

When would this pain end?

Tainted

7 March 2013

23 days ever since. Life has never been the same again.

Life is a whirl of work and videos. Looking at pictures of happy couples, their pure untainted relationships, make me so jealous. My heart aches so badly.

This is so damn unfair. Mine will never be the same again. Mine, from the day he decided to cheat on me, is tainted forever. I am tainted forever.

I am disgusting, and disgusted.

Soreness of the Heart

1st March 2013

It comes often in the night. The night is silent, dark and empty- a reflection of what my heart feels when this part of the day takes over the sky in its long, dark sweeping coat.

I can be doing anything mundane, and no matter how loud it is the crying is audible right there. The ache spreads dully, starting from the middle of the heart and spreading its roots slowly. I feel it crawling and overtaking the entire heart of mine, before squeezing it and slowly tearing it, leaving me defenseless and very much alone once again.

Expression could be in the form of anything. Tears, incoherent sobbing, blood, pain, sweat...it all occurs in the heat of the moment. And suddenly, after I blink, everything ebbs away, like the entire fiasco never happened before.

I want out. No matter how hard I try, the pain will never fade and the voices will never stop whispering, telling me I was betrayed and I was stupid and naive and I am making the wrong choice once again. I can hardly trust a thing he says now, and all he has to do is to turn up looking really sorry for himself for my foolish heart to melt.

How many times had my friends said that I deserved better? I didn't really think that, I just thought I didn't do anything to deserve this unjust that has been placed on me. And now, I am actually being nice to him pretending everything is all right- letting him feel a little better for himself- making things easier for him just cause he sank into a major depression the day before. I do want a compromise, but I honestly can't see the way. This is so unfair.

And now I can't see straight again, my vision's blurred. Shall it be just tears tonight, or something else?

Fluctuating

28 February 2013

16 days since I got to know the ugly truth, the one which destroyed everything that held up my world. The one that burst my happy bubble, and the one that threw me into the depths of despair and hatred.

I find myself extremely imbalanced. One moment, I pity the sad look in his eyes and I want to reach out to him to comfort him and tell him things will be all right; one moment I hate every single fibre of his being and I just want to oust him from my life and curse him to an eternity of pain and suffering.

This dichotomy is troubling, and it tears me apart, leaving me more alone and confused ever. I tell myself every single day that it didn't happen, and we are still the same old couple we were, happy and untainted. But every time I waver, the devil tears down the wall I've frantically built around my heart and sink its poisonous claws deep into my throbbing and aching heart. Hatred, resentment, despair, agony, I have never felt such strong emotions before.

Most importantly, I have never felt so lonely and empty.

Who can understand my pain, and who can reach out a hand to hid me from the pain and shield me from the trauma? I don't know. I fluctuate unstably, and I am just like a ticking time bomb.

I see the happy pictures of other couples, smiling without a hint of mistrust or darkness. Tears fall down my cheeks and I waver once more. I will never have that innocence of love ever again. I have lost every single thing.

Aftermath of a Disaster

20 Feb 2013

It has been little over one week. What's the true aftermath to the earth breaking disaster? We normally see people whose lives were wrecked by natural disasters starting to clean out their destroyed homes, saying their final farewells to their loved ones, and reaching out to the rest of the world to help them through this trying period.

For my case, I cleaned out my room from memories of him, bitterly read some letters of the past and bade the past farewell, and I reached out to my friends who gave me a hand to bring me through this trying period of mine. I have to say that childish as these actions of mine might sound, it is actually rather therapeutic, and I hurt less seeing stuff around me that reminded me of him and his betrayal.

We still text. He wants to win me back. I gave him a chance. Let's see what he is going to do now.

Absolutely nothing?

16 Feb 2013

I still feel nothing. No more pain, no more tears. I can't understand what this is. I used to feel so pained over the issue, and now the pain has washed out and there is absolutely nothing.

I find myself thinking. Is that denial? Is that acceptance?

I find myself wanting to just forgive this matter so easily and move on with our lives. But how can I forgive so easily, knowing the horrendous things he had done? It'll be too easy to him. I'll not be standing up for myself.

I no longer want to torture or hurt him. Instead I want to comfort him. Why is that so? Am I a masochist? He cheated, girl He cheated and lied.

I looked at pills. I wanted to attempt an overdose. But it faded. I just wanted to sleep.

Why are you so kind? I hate you for that. You are nothing but a weak, needy person. You are disgusting. All you should care about are your feelings, what the hell are you doing thinking about his?? Him and his persuasive, sweet words of nothing. Are you stupid enough to believe him again???

Feelings of Nothing

15 Feb 2013

It's pretty strange.

I feel nothing at all now.

Even when I think back and relived the scene.

There isn't any pain.

Why?

More Horrid Truths

14th Feb 2013/ 15 Feb 2013

The world works in curious ways. Or rather, contradictory ways. There are things we spend our entire lives searching, but the harder we search the more it evades us. There are things we desire to know, but it does not necessarily brings us joy upon realizing.

I asked him a question. "Was it her first time?"

He evaded it the first time round. Whether on purpose or unintentionally, I no longer know.

And then, I asked him again up front. "Was it, or was it not her first time?"

He said, "It was her first time."

And my crumbled world, whatever that was left of it, crumbled away further. It seems my world now is smaller than the Vatican City with respect to the entry globe- and horrible floods and earthquakes continue to wreck my world into a smaller place.

The heart shrinks. Does it? Can you actually feel it shrink? Or...does it shrink until it is finally gone, leaving you apathetic, yet spiteful? Does the shrinking, or shrunken heart hold empathy and compassion for the rest of the world who had done you nothing wrong?

I was this close to forgiving. But upon realizing this other horrid truths, I realize I can't. I am only mortal, I am not angel, not am I a saint. Nor am I as forgiving as the Lord Almighty, as people claim. Yes, I am only mortal, a mortal as flawed as those who had sinned against me.

Why can't I forgive upon knowing that fact?

It's cause I can't bear to know that, should I ever marry him, that he had taken another girl's first time. It would no longer be the same at all. It would no longer be special. He would never be my husband. He told me such acts were to emphasize love, to share a spiritual connection with his partner. I find myself thinking, that's utter bullshit. Bullshit to the maximum. Lies again. Lies once again. It could have been avoided, but he hadn't listened. And he wanted revenge. And subsequently, he hid it for two years, participating in the relationship with me as though nothing had happened; and scolding me harshly for small time lies when he had the biggest one of all. He did all these without remorse in his eyes. That I know for when we argue, he showed his true rage. No remorse, no guilt, nothing. It was the unforgivable of the unforgivable.

He begged me to give him once chance. How could I, knowing I will hate him or the rest of my life? The kindness fell short, wanting to reach out to him and to comfort him; but the spite and bitterness slapped it in the face, pushing its hand away, and raised its ugly head at him. How, I find myself thinking fervently. How does me doing such horrid things to him, saying such horrid things to a man who is down on his knees begging for forgiveness, make me any better than who he is?

I kept telling myself never to stoop to his level. I never thought of cheating on him. I never thought of ruining his reputation publicly by announcing his deeds on Facebook like what a friend had said the friend would have done to the partner. But the spite, it badly wants to hurt and to strike, to strike at a man in a defenseless position. What has this turned me into? What has this horrid truth turned me into?

The Numbing Effect

14 Feb 2013.

As I sit here, I find myself thinking: this is the greatest irony of all. It's Valentine's Day, and my "valentine" had reared its ugly head and struck me where it hurt the most. Valentine's Day, the day of expression of love for many had become a day of sore feelings and bitter emotions.

I still think of the scene, but now is the stage of the Numbing Effect. The stage where you have previously cried your eyes out until no tears flowed free, the stage where you are exhausted, and have mostly accepted reality.

I'm calm again. When I think it through, tears do not flow. When I think it through, the shredded heart no longer throbs achingly. When I think it through, I hear a distant voice, saying that possibly I have stopped loving him all in all.

I do admit to that. There are magnanimous women in the world who would forgive anything and everything their partners did just to stay with them- those women have the biggest and most loving hearts of all. I cannot pretend to be as noble them, and I cannot pretend that I had wanted to go to him and destroy his reputation in front of his friends, as well as hers. That was why I deleted him from my social activity account. Can't take any risks that I myself would regret for the rest of my life. I held my own hand. I'm not like him. I said to myself, tasting the tears on my lips. I'm nothing like him, and I will not do anything that will tarnish my own reputation in a moment of folly. I'm nothing like the person -character- I hate. 

I didn't know how to release the rage. I found myself laughing, wishing fervently this was an opera. All I'd have to do next then, would be to sing a rage aria was such tumultuous passion, and the throw myself off the cliff like Tosca did. Or actually I had consumption, and after my final breath of life I fall, dying, like Violetta. But the opera I was in should be a Romantic period one, not Mozart's. No forgiveness as seen in the final scene of the Marriage of Figaro. Just pure tragedy.

I wonder why I am sitting here, typing this, wallowing in self pity over a life I had seen in movies and not think for a slightest second that it could become a reality. Or at least for the past two years, that it WAS a reality that I was shielded selfishly from. I wasn't the worst hit. There are others who had suffered worst than me. I do have friends who care, and friends to come to be like angels to add a little glue to the heart that had crumbled. Why am I doing this? Solace? Comfort?

God knows.

The Pain

13 Feb 2013.

This time, the scene of the cheating took place in my head. A claw of hurt dug into my heart and grew its roots. The more I thought the more roots it placed, giving birth to many more claws all digging deeper into my heart. I woke up and paced the room, tried to do some work but to no avail, hid back in my bed but couldn't sleep. This night was the longest night of my life.

When the day broke, it finally hit me. It did happen. He did cheat, lie and be a hypocrite. Things will never, never be the same again. The trust, respect and love I had for him had shattered, just like a beautiful, fragile mirror he had flung across the room. I hugged myself, feeling really foolish and disgusted, and I cried silently. I reached out to my friends, those I know who would genuinely care. One wanted to Skype with me. I did so after a lecture I could not concentrate in, and for the first time, the floodgates truly opened and I wept openly and lashed out angrily. As always, the friend received me with open arms and gave me the warmth the friend always had for me.

So many emotions so much sadness. I have never ever felt this way before. I was so angry, so hurt, so sad, and I knew it was my fault. Who could control the way they looked, and who could control the cruel twist of Fate himself?

Once again, a friend from the distant past, a friend I thought I lost reached out to me upon noticing my posts on Facebook. The friend had remembered what I have done for the friend, and wanted to do the same for me. Listening, giving rationale advice rather than the cliche emotional ones, this friend gave me much to think about. How have we grown. The last I saw, this friend was galloping around like a mad wild horse in its freedom. And now, this friend provided a rational comfort.

The final friend who noticed for today noticed my state. This friend bothered to ask, bothered to invite me over for dinner, bothered to open up a safe haven for me to nurse my wounds. This friend I have met only recently, provided comfort all the same.

Kindness begets kindness. That was what I was taught, and that was what I lived with. I constantly reminded myself to be empathetic to the plight of others and do as much to help others. When I heard The Confession, my whole world collapsed into a pile of smoking, burning debris. I was as kind as I could be all my life, what have I done to deserve such a monstrosity? I was angry with the heavens for such an unkind twist, I cursed the heavens for giving me such a situation when I have done nothing as evil as its nature. But I stopped. This incident, hasn't it shown me that all along while I thought I was alone and friendless, has shown me that there are actually people anyway who would bother to reach out a hand to me while I was down on my knees? Kindness begets kindness. I realized, it was cause I was kind to them, that they were kind to me. Fate works in curious ways.

Now as I approach another possibly long night, I pray to the heavens that I will get some peace tonight, and be at peace over the days to be able to accomplish what I am here for. Dear heavens, do grant me some peace for tonight, for I have only slept two hours the other night.

The Confession

12 Feb 2013

A petty quarrel leading to a dramatic confession and a shattered world. I've always known that there was this point in time when everything changed. Everything in our relationship changed. He used to be happy, to be able to smile; and suddenly he was brooding, depressed and reluctant to speak. I never asked cause I always thought it was my fault that he became like that, that it was my stubbornness that kept hurting his heart and nothing else.

Near the point in time, I realized his ex-girlfriend texting him. When he saw that I have seen the incoming text, his hand moved so fast, and he was discrete. I didn't ask, cause once again I chose to trust him. But from then I had an inkling, a seed growing deep in the darkest depths of my heart, that something was wrong.

We did everything the same. He berated me terribly for lying, he thrashed me if I appeared hypocryptic and he warned me of cheating. I took it, feeling like I was the worse girlfriend to have ever walked the earth. What he wanted I gave, not knowing what I have truly done to myself.

12 Feb 2013. After me heavily pushing him and forcing him to reveal himself to me, I was faced with the worst nightmare I have ever dreamt of. He lied, cheated, and was a hypocrite. He was EVERYTHING he had thrashed me for. He cheated with his ex-girlfriend, in his house, in his room, on his bed. He cheated two years ago, and he did the same with me seeming without regret for two years. "Exact revenge" was his reason, in addition to being drunk and depressed.

I was calm. Everything seemed to whirl before me. I read the words, but it didn't sink in. I read it again, and it still seemed so surreal. No tears, no emotions. Just pure rationality and logic. It didn't overwhelm, but I know it happened.

A friend happened to text, and I told the friend what happened. Still, I was calm and rational, surprisingly. No pain, no hurt.

But after i went home, I couldn't sleep for the first time in my life. I rolled in bed. I closed my eyes, my body exhausted but my mind alert. I fell asleep for two hours and I woke up. The memory clear in my head.